Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, and, Your hand over my mouth!

 

 

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
recalled by their Maker.

 

 

Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

 

 

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because you won't have a leg to stand on.

 

 

 

It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

 

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

 

 

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

 

 

 

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

 

 

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

 

 

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

 

 

 

We could learn a lot from crayons...

Some are sharp,

some are pretty and

some are dull.

Some have weird names and

all are different colors,

but they all have to live in the same box.

 

 

 

When everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

 

 

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 

 

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

 

 

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft ... Today, it's called golf.

 

 

Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

 

 

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

 

 

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

 

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'

- Ronald Reagan

 

 

Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

Hey, 'round' is a shape.

 

 

Is swimming good for your figure? If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

 

 

Old Age ... When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

 

 

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

 

 

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

 

 

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

 

 

 

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

 

 

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 

 

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Uh."
--Conan O'Brien

 

 

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

 

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

 

 

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

 

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

 

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

 

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

 

A backward poet writes in-verse.

 

 

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

 

 

'A government big enough to give you everything you want,

is strong enough to take everything you have.' - Thomas Jefferson

 

 

 

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

 

 

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

 

 

"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Amah

 

 

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

 

 

Can you cry under water?

 

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

 

 

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama

 

 

 

You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him.

 

 

The good Lord didn't create anything
Without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

 

 

 

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jennie

 

 

 

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

 

 

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

 

 

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. .

 

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

 

 

Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

 

 

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, look just fine.

 

 

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

 

 

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

 

 

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

 

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

 

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

 

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumbrance.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

 

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I
want him to quit in practice, not in a game."

Bear Bryant / Alabama

 

 

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God , then we will be a nation gone under.'

- Ronald Reagan

 

 

 

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan ."
--A. Whitney Brown

 

 

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"

 

 

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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